I love the days when my brain wants to cooperate. Those are the days when I feel “normal”, and functional – whatever that means. Those Fare the days when I can see how my work is evolving, how productive I am, and how far I manage to get. if I am lucky, sometimes these episodes are long, for one week or something.
After that, I woke up one day with all the issues in the world. I am not sure if you saw “Kevin can f**k himself” but I can not paint a better picture. Some mornings, everything around me changes like the light changes when the main character is alone in a room, without Kevin. I just step into a grey hole from a light, comfortable surrounding. There has yet to be anything that worked until now to make it better. I practice yoga regularly, I eat a lot of vegetables and fruits, I walk, I stay in the light, and I am quite active – these are the activities everyone recommends. My brain refuses to acknowledge them as a solution and decides to have bad days.
In my bad brain days ( as a curly girl, I have to admit that those days are worst than the bad hair days – mostly because I also want to shave my hair :)) ) I want to sleep and sometimes die, depending on how hard the day is. My drawing practice helps a little as sometimes is like a light at the end of the tunnel. It is annoying because I am also a people pleaser so I just numb myself and go to work, have imaginary fights during the commute and just complain. Today is a bad brain day and I would love to normalize this. I am tired of feeling broken, while everyone is pretending to be 100% functional.