I am tired of not loving myself

I heard today that “Vulnerability is the price to pay for freedom” so please find below my mental breakdown from yesterday and welcome to my life!

” I would like to rip off things out of my body and see how it would feel without all this pain. Some days are ok, I struggle and I survive but some days I am just tired. Those are the days that I fear the most, the days when my will of leaving fades.

I find it annoying to feel all this pain and not be able to understand it. I would like to love myself more how? I never thought that I am good enough, that I deserve and this is killing me slowly. Last month we hit a new step in our financial well-being but I did not feel real happiness. I do not feel that I deserve that, I do not think that I did something to help because I feel I am useless. I have my job, apparently, I am good at it but I still do not believe this. 

I am writing this in the office, having coffee and crying. I am trying to let this pain out but it won’t go away. I feel that I have no control over things and I just go with the flow, in a half-awake mood. I would like to feel alive, go out, run, and feed myself because I love myself. I do not feel I am getting close to this. I can simulate it but I can not feel it. I am starting to doubt that I feel too many things except pain. I feel I am half dead, that is the half that I would like to throw away but I can not, I am stuck with it forever. I heard somewhere that people commit suicide because of all of this pain inside, they feel the need to get over it and I can understand that. I feel that is not something that I want to do but I can understand.

My emotional numbness is horrible, I am not even able to feel things for myself. Some days I am better or those are the days when I can just act easier? I am afraid I am just sad, depressed, and have nothing left inside. I feel that somedays my mental health is really fragile, some days I am busy, and that helps. 

I am just tired. I am so tired of beating myself down daily, beating myself down for what I eat, how I eat, why I am not working out, why I am not learning, and why I am showing emotions. I am tired and I am afraid I will also get sick because I am getting tired. Somedays I feel I am really happy but maybe I am not. I do not know who am I and what I want to do. I am tired of myself and this hurts a lot. I am saying I am burned out on life but I am bleeding inside and I have no options and I have no future. I just go with the flow, I choose to do this because I have no idea who I am and what I want. I want to rip the trauma off my mind and burn it, be normal, and have less darkness inside. Therapy is really starting to get all the dark stuff inside me, maybe this is ok or not, maybe I will be just sad because I am just sad underneath the masks. ”

I think we all feel this sometimes. I want to show my feelings, this is me somedays.

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