A big emptiness in my heart, emotionally numb, lost in a big world. The only anchor is a voice in my headphones.
The sad part is that I always felt this way. This is my baseline emotion, no happiness, no gratefulness, just a big hole of nothing. This nothing seems like black clay or like moving sand and it is eating you up. I am not sure if this is because I had no security in my life as a kid, I used to believe I had the suicide gene. My therapist said it might be just compulsive thoughts, this helps me for now.
When we went home, we met some friends and went to the theater and saw a play. I was fascinated by a girl that had 2 personalities. Sometimes, the dark one was escaping and was raging in the world, saying how she was there, inside, in the dark. I felt that. What if inside me is a dark person that will escape if I will keep going to therapy? I know and I feel that I am broken sometimes, it is not something acceptable to say but this is how it feels. The road to healing is just in the beginning, a maximum of 2 years in, and because I had a fucked up life, it looks like a really long journey. I will keep going for me, I deserve to show “the finger” to life and march through pain and confusion.