I am writing this in the morning because a very stressful period is over. I wanted to take some time and process things but I am too grateful and too happy.
Every quarter I have to prepare some reports and for 2 years, I was always stressed. It was the worst period of my life, honestly. I love what I do but I used to hate the reporting time.
Something changed when I did my CBT workbook (I have a review for the book here ). This month I was able to take my holidays before, give people deadlines and not micromanage. It was really nice. I also had people ignore my deadlines. Before, I took everything so personal, without being able to see the other side. Black and white thinking is really hurtful and toxic.
This quarter I was alone, with no one to ask so I did not send a report. I was not sure how to handle the situation so I went to my boss when he came back. I am proud that I managed to be happy, less stressed, and more results-oriented. I am happy that I enjoyed my time at home, that I am able to see my work in a healthy way and that I remain in my company.
When I quitted, last year, I was thinking it was an external issue. Surprise, it was an internal one. Because of my upbringing, I had a lot of internal issues. I think the worst one was that I believed I am dumb so that was making me feel frustrated and feel that everything that was going wrong, was my fault.
Today, I am writing this at 7 am and I am happy to go and get dressed. I will go to work, I will be happy and take things as they come.
I think inner work is hard, probably never over but it pays off. Working out helps a lot, eating right helps my skin, and staying calm makes things wonderful. The thing is, everything starts from the inside. You stop killing yourself because you start to love yourself a little more, every day.
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