Grief

Seven years ago, exactly today, I lost my grandmother. 

It is really hard for me to write about it because, at that point, I had no time to grieve. I had to step up and help, as usual, and I managed to put all my feeling in “my bag”. “My bag” means I pushed those feelings deep in order to try to function. I have carried those feelings for 7 years and they are starting to move and make some noise in my head.

When this happened, I was in a horrible place in my life. I think the only reason I am still sane is that my husband was there with me and helped me remain functional. After her death, my life was just like a rollercoaster for a few years, between college, job, making the relationship work. 

My grandmother was the person who understood me and who used to listen to me. She was like that with all her grandchildren. I loved that she was more open-minded than a lot of people half her age. I am almost crying right now because I miss her and I did not allow myself to feel all these emotions. Last night I slept for 5 hours, I could not fall asleep. I have a lot of things to process and I really don’t want to do it. I feel a lot of emptiness inside. 

I hate that a few years before her death, she had 2 brain surgeries and those made her change a lot. Her personality shifted and it was really confusing. I am really sad because the shift created a lot of tension in our family. Before she died, she went and visited all the relatives and she also dreamed she will die. I remember she told me her dream and I tried to make her feel better. I actually believed that another relative will die, as she was not feeling good. I think I also felt it, while she was gone, I tried my best to buy her all she needed to celebrate Christmas. I kept thinking that she was old and it might be her last Christmas. I feel better because I managed to buy her things for Christmas.

It is really shocking when people just disappear. She had a heart attack and died in bed. We had no chance to say goodbye. I remember I panicked and I had to call the ambulance. It was a nightmare. I also had to help when the ambulance was giving her CPR. I think I have PTSD from that, I always expect to receive bad news. My husband came that night and helped me a lot. I honestly don’t remember much, I think I just blocked everything. I have some small flashes but that is that. I will have to leave this bag down, soon, I guess. I carried with me for so much time, I do not know how to shut down the emptiness. I know some experiences are part of us but I would like to be better, feel better. 

I would like to thank her for helping me in my small corner of hell. It was not a good place but she always helped me escape reality by reading me stories, from other worlds. She was a good woman, she tried her best to help everyone. I think the environment was a little toxic, I think still is. I am glad that she managed to leave this life with dignity while feeling good and not needing special care. She would have hated that. My grandmother was the first person that I really cared about that died. It was and still is a horrible experience, I will have to work a lot in order to make peace with it.

I hope therapy might help me with that too, during my CBT exercise I did not encounter any moment that would trigger me but we will see.  

I hope there is a Heaven out there, as you used to believe. 🙂