Random questions of life

Spirituality – my story

I wanted to start my Saturday in a chill way and I managed somehow, that until I stumble on this video.

As I wrote before, I believe I was in an internet cult and now I feel the need to share what happened to me in the worst and also nice years of my life. It will sound batshit crazy, really fucked up but this is what I lived and I wanted to get this out. 

This movie triggered something in me, the need to talk about how toxic these beliefs are and how I see people near me falling into this. I know I have nothing to say in order to help, as I was them just a few years ago. 

The story started when I started high school and I met an ex-best friend. I was quite lonely as a person, not a lot of friends, and not knowing who I am. Perfect recipe for disaster. Right now I was making some math and I think I was studying spirituality for about 13-14 years. I have to admit that the last 7, almost 8 years were better for my mental health, as I met my husband and he made me want to live in this life, not the made-up bullshit.

I think I will swear a lot during this article because I have a lot of non-solved emotions.

In high school, I started smoking, feeling special, meditating, and having a group with my friend. Everyone who said that what we believed was weird, was immediately ignored and marked as non-special :)) We used to believe that we were so special that they did not feel good near us, we had too much good energy, high vibration. I think we were just toxic and full of ourselves, and people tend to not like that.

Things got worst when I left for college and we moved in together. We were also living with my ex-boyfriend and he got somehow accepted into our ‘group’. He was probably happy to be accepted. We started to consume a lot of spirituality videos and get high, believing the world will end in 2012.  Looking back, I was so unhappy that I wanted to die. I had health issues, throwing up daily because I could not handle college, I lost all other friends and I was feeling stuck.

Getting high and testing drugs were part of the “enlightening” process. I have some memory issues and I bet it is because of the over-consumption of weed. 

I tried to change colleges and escape these issues but my parents did not want to help me so the wish to die went from moderate to high and I dived into spirituality. 

I was really disappointed that the world did not end in December 2012 and I was really depressed and stuck. I was lucky enough to get rid of that bad company. Sadly, my ex-best friend remained in my life. I am somehow grateful and somehow mad that I accepted these toxic circumstances all this time. 

I will not name people that we used to study but for 14 years, I can guarantee I read them all. My head was full of bad ideas, toxic ideas, and having the internet and one person’s approval was enough to have me adhere still to this. My adult life was built on a lot of questionable beliefs. I am lucky I found my husband and I am also lucky I did not live in America, because I would have been in a cult for sure. 

Last year, when I started to study manipulation, by mistake, I had that awesome “snap” moment. This is described a lot in people escaping cults. I was starting to question what my friend said to me and she got mad and felt judged because I was questioning her life pillars. Now I understand her reaction.

Nevertheless, the friendship was broken, because when you leave a cult, you are rejected. I feel like I am free now, free as a person, I can be how I want, belief what I want and I can sleep in peace. 

I think the hardest part is to get over the feeling that you are really dumb. I read about how anyone can get trapped like that but at the beginning, you just feel stupid and you try to forget, ignore. It was a lot of pain so I wanted to forget, especially right after.

I would like to thank anyone that do debunk videos on youtube, who speak about cults, who help people get their life back. 

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