Meeting myself

Today I met myself.

I had a really weird morning. Last night I received a message that I could work from home today but I had the laptop in the office. I love working from home because I have the opportunity to work in comfy clothes and drink my coffee. I woke up really early, took the train, picked up my laptop, and came home.

I have no idea what my colleagues believe about it, I think it was ok but this morning I was a mess. I respect my superiors so I would never do something to offend them.  I had a huge amount of anxiety and felt so sick, almost guilty, even though I was allowed to work from home. I stayed with this feeling until one hour ago when I decided to investigate what is happening in my body and in my head.

It is really easy for me to detect that something is not ok, I used to live with these feelings all the time. I took a pen and a diary and start writing. I realized that now I am a really honest person and I was afraid I will have to lie, to not get people mad that I went to the office to take my laptop. This triggered all my old issues, I see that I still have one chapter that I have to work on, one that was so fun but also so hurtful. 

While writing, I understood I would never have to lie, I will take full responsibility for my decisions and I will show respect to everyone by being truthful. 

It is amazing for me to try to understand how my brain works, how I was spinning out of control. I am still a little sad because tomorrow y cat will be sterilized but I got rid of that feeling of anxiety 

A few days ago I wrote an article about how I still have to learn more about myself. Today I met the person that I have become. I am an honest person, I am a person that will not make excuses to avoid responsibilities, I am a person that admits that still have to learn a lot of things. I am almost in tears because I am a person that I would love to meet and befriend.

One of the reasons I came back to blogging is that I want to put my feelings into words and be 100% honest about them.