I am a little sad today. I am again in the ‘lost’ phase, that moment when I feel quite misunderstood and I am struggling to adapt to society. I am not interested in interacting with the outside world (outside of my apartment), I feel tired of hearing the same ideas, and I am not able to communicate.
I heard something from Dr. Janja Lalich, in a podcast called ‘Was I in a cult?’ and made me think about how we isolate ourselves. The internet somehow made cult expansion worst and somehow we created ideas that became gurus. I see that daily and sometimes it gets overwhelming for me, especially when I used to see things that way. I understood that I can not save everyone but I would love to help people see that things are so much easier and that some info all across the internet is toxic. I do not have a point, I just feel out of place.
I saw firsthand how new age ideas can ruin your mental health, how you can lose people and how weird is the time after you get rid of all toxicity. I am grateful that I started to look inwards, saw how my mind worked and how distorted my perception was. I have a list of happy subjects but today was not in the mood. I want to present myself to you as I am, with good and bad. Sometimes we see people from the outside and everything looks perfect in their life. I am tired of that and I will expose every thought here. I have no idea who I am right now, and I will use this to find myself.
In my head, I used to define myself as a smoker, I used to love drugs, a person that doesn’t do sports, who had no hobbies, who will wake up at noon every time, depressed sometimes, and quite irresponsible. The issue is that I am not liked that since 2019 but never realized it.
Today I wake up at 5, happy, I have a lot of hobbies, I love to practice yoga almost daily, I use my indoor bike. I never lie, I quit smoking, I would never do drugs again and I enjoy a drink from time to time.
I am still depressed sometimes, I am still anxious sometimes but now I know that I do not have to live like this. I know that I can work on myself and be better. Since 2019, I am a different person. I also changed my work ethic and I am doing my best and that was noticed. I have a full-time job, I am learning more every day and I manage to enjoy my commute time.
I am really proud of myself but I feel like I can not say that. It is my issue, I still care about other people but it is something I am still working on so I am not worried. 🙂
The best is yet to come!
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