I am really procrastinating when I think about posting something on my blog. I am experiencing something really nice, life is showing me that it is useless to have fixed opinions and this is making writing so hard. I used to have opinions and expectations but now I am just taking one day at a time.
A good friend of mine said that, until you get your life together, you can avoid processing your emotions and traumas. She is right. When you get settled, have a normal life, weird things start to happen: panic attacks, thought loops, feeling worthless.
I am an anxious person and I get thought loops most of the time, I feel that I am not enough and other issues. I have had this since forever but I thought this is part of my personality, maybe this is how I am – I was really wrong. The past trauma started to hunt me and, when I had the last suicidal thoughts, it was a wake up call. One year ago I started to watch some youtube channels specialising in psychology and therapy. My husband also showed me the HeathyGamer channel and this helped a lot. I saw that other people felt like me and the therapists in the videos showed me that this is not normal. You can decrease your anxiety level, relax once in a while and have less and less depressive episodes.
I think therapy is an amazing option but I want to take the hard way, the “Yogi” way, as Dr. K calls it. I am currently observing my feelings, my reactions in every situation and also doing yoga to keep a mental balance. I feel that life helps me because I face situations that I did not handle well in the past and now I have an opportunity to do them the right way. Last month I purchased “Dr. K’s guide to Mental Health” and used it to study more about anxiety, depression and meditation. The same information you can find for free on youtube, if you have patience.
I realised that, because of my attachment style, I am always tempted to blow things out of proportion, blame others and get really anxious about small stuff, especially at work. Last week something happened to a project, I remembered what I know now, breathed a little and let go. I just sat at the keyboard and managed the situation, no stress, no drama, not searching for a scapegoat. I used to get so frustrated at every job, I was so stressed out and quit, found a new job and faced the same issue. I love when life teaches you that the solution is inside you, always inside.
I am currently trying to start a Cognitive behavioral therapy workbook, it was recommended in the guide, but I am still absorbing all the information I learned in the Anxiety Module. The best part in this situation is that I saw that my anxiety was way worse when I was smoking. It shows me that I grew a lot in 841 days :).
We can actually get to live peacefully, after all.
Dr. K’s Guide: https://coaching.healthygamer.gg/users/sign_in